2021 Golden Globes “Red Carpet” Review


Categories: celebrities
2021 Golden Globes “Red Carpet” Review

This was, as we know, the strangest red carpet ever.  Not because actors came in Bjork level dresses or gave drunkin commentary to E!’s pesky news crew.  But rather the red carpet itself stretched from the Beverly Hilton Hotel, to dozens of celebrity homes around Los Angeles, where everyone pretended, for the evening, that they’d actually been quarantining.  (then it’s off to St Barts again)

I couldn’t bear to watch the cringy show itself.  What with its glitch muted acceptance speeches and confused zoom guests.   We’ll just evaluate based on what we see here.  Remember, nothing said here speaks to the character of the person, or reflects on anything more than the clothes they wore.  So get over it.

In no special order:

Anna Taylor Joy from Queens Gambit was one of the few looks done in the People Mag studios and so the whole look is flawless.  But there’s no denying this Japanese influence Dior gown is a statement piece.

Get a load of this… Rosamund Pike wore this Courtney Love fantasy dress by Molly Goddard.  It’s obvious she loves it and is totally feeling herself in the baby doll punk look.  And why not.  It’s fun as hell.

But… what is this?  Nicola Coughlan of Bridgerton is wearing the same good time gown in buttery yellow.  How on EARTH did that happen. Molly Goddards people don’t talk to one another?  

This is literally the visual representation of the phrase “flaunt it if you got it”.  Good gravy that’s a midriff!  Zuri Hall, I don’t know who you’re wearing, but make sure this isn’t the only time you wear it.  I’d food shop in this thing.

Sofia Carson is a Disney star (27 now) so it feels sort of apropos that she appears dressed like a Disney Prince.  I think it’s the one from Snow White.

Margot Robbie.  Naturally beautiful.  But just because a dress is from Chanel doesn’t mean it’s a red carpet dress.  This is a summer maxi dress at best.  See you poolside.

I love Amy Poehler to the very marrow in her bones.  That said… she looks like an adorable blonde nutcracker.

Angela Bassett… As fierce as the year she played queen Tina Turner on film.  She got her fancy on and I have nothing else to say about it.

Tina is dressed bleh, but can I just say… She never looked better than she did tonight. Like she is part of that group of women who look better every year, ya know? Ya know those bitches?  Honestly and you know Tina isn’t doing tricks and stuff.   She looks like Sandra Bullock did 15 years ago. (Sorry, Sandy, love you)

I didn’t even recognize Tiffany Haddish.  This chainmail dress from Alberta Ferretti and just the smooth bare skin. Lady, you look dynamite.

Susan Watson… No one can tell who you’re wearing!  That thing is interesting as hell.  If you’re not from Philly you may not know what Mummer is, but this is a Fancy Brigade Mummer.   Hide this when you get home, because Gaga’s coming for you.

Awkwafina is one of my closest friends and I was with her when she found this dress in an old beat up Louis Vuitton trunk by the side of the road in Beverly Hills. It was wrapped in newspaper from 1967, beneath stacks of old Twiggy headshots and Petula Clark records.

Kaley Cuoco did the red carpet from home.  Honestly, I didn’t even know she was still acting.  That dress is pretty boss though.

No.

Clearly Gillian Anderson was also photographed by the folks at People.  The overexposure nonsense is the worst for admiring gowns.  Which is a shame because this Dior Haute Couture looks amazing.

Maria Bakalova is seen sitting in her Armani gown.  I assume because the waist on that dress doesn’t allow for the blood flow required to stand.   I wouldn’t sip that drink either. Lest that zipper embeds in your spine.

I’m sorry, did you hear that? I screamed.   Viola Davis… who, btw, could make an audio book reading the phone book and I would listen to it in zenful peace… is drop dead GO-OR-JUSS!   The dress is Lavie by CK (not Calvin Klein) and I seriously recommend you google him and see the amazing gowns he produces.

Get the F%#k out of here.  I guess this is Tina Fey’s future, because Jamie Lee Curtis looks better than ever.  “No Cap” as the kids say.  And I’m sorry to all of my feminist friends but oh my god look at those titties!  Devine.

This one too.  Stop with this perfection.  That suit is gorgeous.

Emma Corin in Miu Miu looking like a Marionette doll.  Somehow adorable. Also somehow terrifying.  By the way, I’m pretty sure she’s floating.

Kristin Wiig is my age and while I might feel this Prada dress work better for a girl attending her bat mitzvah party, I stand by my initial assertion that she looks amazing.

Jo Ellen Pellman, I don’t know you, but I’m going to have a dinner party this summer and I want you there and in this dress.  Raise my cred with friends.  You’re clearly cooler than me.

Regina King…. I mean what do you say?  Statuesque and powerful looking.  Don’t drink too much. This LV dress looks like a real rubics cube to get out of.

Jared Leto is the only male I included because you can not include him.  Always interesting. Always Gucci.  Never get in his van.

I like to crown my personal winner each year, but this is the hardest carpet to judge in a long time.  With great thought and tired eyes, I choose…

How do you not pick Viola in this dress??  It’s like falling into a kaleidoscope!

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