Complete Red Carpet Gown Review


Categories: celebrities
Complete Red Carpet Gown Review

As always I am merely remarking on the clothing people have chosen to wear.  Not the character of the person or whether they have value in the world.   It’s not that deep.

Thanks to Gettyimages, Wireimage, Redcarpet-fashionawards and many more.

Here we go…

Caitriona Balfe was in the movie Ford vs Ferrari. I’m telling you because I had no idea who she was. Her dress is Valentino Couture and it’s sure to end up on lots of worsts lists because people hate anything that doesn’t seem like everything else.  I love it.  To me she looks like she could be in one of those old French Champagne posters.  The hair and make up for it are perfect.

Janelle Monae is cooler than most mortal beings and that’s about the only requirement to wearing a completed bedazzled, draping hood dress.  She’s like Grace Jones, only I don’t tremble with fear when I look at her.  If you don’t know who Grace Jones is, do yourself a favor and look.    Oh, and not with 100 guesses would I have said she was wearing Ralph Lauren.  But she is.

Sandra Oh is destined for a lot of worst dressed lists, I am sure.  She’s in Elie Saab couture and that’s great and all, but this dress has sooooo much going on. I do take joy though, in knowing she’s loving it.  You could just tell.  And that’s the most important thing.

Jesus. Colin Jost doing his best American Gothic pose.  Scarlett Johanson looks gorgeous. That dress… the way it drips with crystal strings looks really luxe.

So this chicks name is Aurora and she was the woman who sang with Idina Menzel.  Sang the haunting high notes in the Frozen song.  Anyway, I’m going to assume this outfit is steeped in the culture of her homeland and I’m just going to let it go.

This is a cheat I’m sneaking in because my friend Gabriel Union wasn’t at the Oscars, but she was at the VF after party and she was in freakin Giambattista Valli couture and I know that cost her stylist some real favors so get it, girl.

Lea Seydoux was born in Paris, so her birthright allows her to wear anything and I can’t make fun of it.  Even though I reaaaallly want to note that you look like your skirt is falling down and it’s really awkward.

Margot Robbie is wearing Vintage (1994) Chanel couture.  I love this. Love.

Penelope Cruz is ALSO in Vintage Chanel (1995).   This is classic Chanel. Classic early 90’s too.  All that taffeta and tulle.  String of pearls. So good.

Ok. I’m just going to name Lily Aldridge my fav this far.  A bonified smoke show. This white Ralph Lauren dress with the single red flower… I could die. ded.

Ok this is Julia Butters from Once Upon A Time in Hollywood.  She’s 10.  I see them talking to her on the red carpet and listen…. I’m not about to make fun of some kid, but I was just surprised at how … wild her dress was.  Then I find out she drew a picture of it herself and sent it to Christian Siriano who then made it exactly as instructed and now I’m obsessed with it.  She said I was tiered sleeves and an oxford shirt and a big ol sash and I want it in pink tulle and Christian Siriano said “you’re the boss”.   Amazing.

Also. In her adorable pink ball purse was a turkey sandwich!!! How is she that cool????

My bestie, Regina King.  We go way back and I send her all my heart. She was so good last night.  She looks like the poised star she is.

Sigourney Weaver looked every bit the Hollywood royalty that she is in this amazing emerald Dior Couture dress. Just statuesque.

You know what, fuck it. I like Anthony Ramos’ (Hamilton) suit.  I was all ready to bash it, but I kind of dig that hunk of metal around his neck. Looks Shakespearian.

Billie Eilish did a wonderful rendition of “Yesterday” for the Memorium segment.  Here she’s wearing vintage Chanel.  The vintage trend is no coincidence.  It’s a deliberate move by some stars to <gasp> reuse beautiful pieces and stop over producing.  Billie intentionally looks like a slob so it’s hard to rag on it. I’d bite those nails off with my own teeth though. drive me nuts those long nails.

Kaitlyn Dever was the gun-toting youngest daughter on Last Man Standing till she broke free and never looked back.  Now she’s in a hit movie (Booksmart) and she’s on the Oscars red carpet representing “Green Dress”.  A women-led global change-making organization that promotes ethical and eco-responsible fashion.  This Louis V dress she has on? All sustainable materials.  Which is amazing because it’s kind of fire.

Beanie Feldstein is also in Booksmart. She’s the sister of Jonah Hill and she’s wearing Miu Miu.  It’s a pretty dress and it’s flattering on her.  I guess I just feel meh about it.

Julia Louis Dreyfus is wearing Vera Wang and while it’s not fabulous it’s Uh-mazing for her. She’s usually very drab. This jewel tone slinky number is not only beautiful, it’s showing off her impressive figure for someone turning 60 this year.

What the hell…  Olivia Colman is wearing Stella McCartney, which… honestly explains a lot, but wow.  There is a lot to unpack here.  I can support modesty in fashion, but this is practically sharia law territory.  Also velvet is so heavy for something … with this must coverage.  And I can’t quite explain how, but my brain keeps assigning human characteristics to the upper half.  Like the shoulders are trying to tell me something.

Seriously. Greta Gerwig in Dior.  I mean at best this is a bridesmaid dress.  And bridesmaid hair.

STOP! OMG! Rebel Winson you look bomb, girl!!!!  Holy cow. I saw pictures of her weight loss but she decided to really show it off tonight in this sexy ass dress.  Who made this…. oh, Jason Wu made it. Nice work, Wu.  Looks amazing.

Her name is Chelsea Winstanley, she’s in JoJo Rabbit and say what you want, I freaking love her.  I want fly to LA, track her down and follow her around observing her till I understand how to become her.

hey what can you say about Molly Sims in Zuhair Murad.  Skin tone matching dresses are risky, but this dress can carry the burden.

Maya Rudolf is the best.  She was asked about her dress on the red carpet and said “I just found out Beyoncé wore them once and I like that…we like to share things.”

Saoirse Ronan is in Gucci.. I don’t like this dress… at all… but I don’t know why. I mean I do, I guess I just can’t even figure out what direction they were going in. It’s looks like the pages got stuck together and they made the top of one dress and the bottom of another.  She’s darling though.

Florence Pugh is wearing Louis Vuitton.  I like it. It’s cute. She’s 24, it’s a youthful dress.  Not a whole lot to say here. I think I also like that it gives me 80’s vibes?  Would have been nice if she did hair and make up, but that’s up to you.

Cynthia Erivo is just a fucking warrior in this dress. I am so crazy about her buzz white hair and this Versace dress is stitched to within an atomic level of her amazing brown skin.

Lucy Boynton is in Chanel and looks adorable. It’s frilly but elegant.  The red lips were big on the carpet this year and I love it paired with the black and white.

Ok, Kristen Wiig is in Valentino and despite giving everyone vaginal vibes, she is actually a fashion fox and some how pulls it off. I’m not sure how the dominatrix gloves fit in and yet I’m ok with them. I kind of think I’m afraid to tell her no.

Timothée Chalamet looks like the man who murdered the family down the street and then escaped in plain sight dressed as one of the EMT’s on the scene.

Gal Gadot is in Givenchy. She looks flawless.  She’s got that red lip going. Love the lace. It’s all good.

Not sure who Rita Wilson is wearing.  I just wish her and Tom would let me come live with them and have breakfast with them and maybe watch Jeopardy in the evenings.   She looks flawless. And I hate bringing age into it, but the woman is 63 and just stuns.

I loove Zazie Beetz. I am bonkers over that hairdo. I love natural black hair and how it’s up in a statement. That dress is fierce (people still say that?) that necklace is bananas.  She’s perfect.

Ok.. damn. You know who gets my best dressed?  Julia Butters. She made her own dress and owned the hell out of it and she perfectly accessorized it with a turkey sandwich.

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