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As we’ve noted, Jimmy Kimmel has been taping his show from Brooklyn this week, and he’s really made the effort to showcase his NYC-based comedy colleagues. We discussed the great double feature he and Stephen Colbert did on Tuesday, each host appearing as the guest on the other’s show on the same night. But for his first show on Monday, Kimmel welcomed comedian Josh Johnson. Most folks know Johnson from The Daily Show, where he’s been on a swift trajectory from staff writer to on-air correspondent to one of the rotational hosts. Though Johnson was born and raised in Louisiana, he recently marked 10 years of living in New York — the length of time someone once told me you must serve in order to call yourself a New Yorker — so Kimmel asked Johnson what he’d say/advise to people visiting the Big Apple. Johnson’s response? “Stop wearing Crocs!”
There are certain things that happen here that don’t happen anywhere else and you have to protect yourself. When you go out, please wear real footwear. I’m begging you to wear shoes. This is not a sandal city.
You have to worry about threats on the ground and threats from above. The threats from above are like the mystery drip. You get the drip and you look up and you pray it’s a air conditioner. Cuz it’s too sunny to be raining and then you see nothing and you’re like, “All right, I’mma carry that with me the rest of my life.”
I have friends who I have begged, “Stop wearing Crocs… you’re not safe.” I understand they’re breathable. They’re comfortable, but it’s not the place for that.
I was walking with my friend. He’s in the middle of defending his Crocs. He’s like, “Look, look at you all tight. I can see laces pulled tight and everything. I’m comfortable. My feet breathable. You’re going to take off those shoes, it’s going to stink. I don’t have that problem. I got the Crocs on.”
And because this is New York, a rat ran across our path and you could tell the rat had like hesitation. You know what I mean? It was almost like a deer in the road where it was like “I think I’m a go.” And then it finally just sprinted across, but we had met its path by then. And so it ran over both my feet, but I had on shoes, you know, I was under protection.
My buddy had Crocs and he was walking right alongside me. And so as the rat tried to run over his feet, you know, you know, like when football players are in spring training, they do that with those tires.
And so the rat is over here putting in work trying to get through each hole. And then first two holes it clears. No problem. Third hole, rat trip. And the rat trips and falls and actually falls into another hole. And the rat, you can hear the rat freaking out. It’s trying to get up. All of this took place over the course of like half of a second, but it might as well have been his entire day cuz we both watched the rat fight to get out as best as possible. It finally like unplugged one foot, unplugged the other foot, and then ran away.
And then my friend is standing next to me like [makes horrified face].
Yeah, that’s what happens when you wear these Swiss cheese shoes.
[From Jimmy Kimmel Live! via YouTube]
I have laughed several times reading through the transcript, but I heartily recommend watching the clip in motion. For one thing, Johnson walks on stage donning a gorgeous suit. No really, it’s so arresting that even Kimmel has to comment on it. Then once Johnson settles into his set and gets to this incident, it’s the kind of story that is enhanced by the delivery. Johnson’s delivery is calm and understated, and it works as a great juxtaposition to the absurdity of the scene he’s describing. He does a terrific job with it, and it was also nice to watch Kimmel just sit back and let Johnson own the moment. Like I said, I was laughing a lot… even though I’m a New Yorker who wears sandals!!! In fact I’m still wearing sandals in October! And not flat sandals with no support, but platform ones that give me a bounce as I barrel along the filthy streets of NYC. I hear your argument, Josh, and I do not deny you speak the truth. But I just want my feet to be comfy, and my gosh Crocs are comfy, school bans and podiatrist warnings be damned! Plus let’s face it, NYC rats could easily tear through a closed-toe shoe if they really wanted to. Our safety from them is but an illusion.
