Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop ‘sex toy guide’ is exactly what you would expect

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Gwyneth Paltrow has been talking about sex a lot lately. Maybe it’s part of her new branding scheme: The Sexual, Sensual Goop In Her 40s. Maybe it’s a late reaction to her divorce. Maybe Brad Falchuk is giving it to her properly. Or maybe it’s a combination of all of the above. In any case, Gwyneth is not content to merely say (odd) words about sex in interviews. This week’s Goop-letter is the first-ever “Sex Issue.” Sex, Goop Style. The Low-Down on Goop’s Downtown. Becky with the Bad Straw Hair has sex. And she wants you to know about it.

You can see the whole Goop site here. The Sex Issue features an article about an “erotic theater” in LA, because rich people can’t just watch p0rn in the comfort of their own homes anymore. There’s an article about “hormone free” technology to improving your sex life. There’s a Goopy article about whether or not your lube is toxic, and whether you should make your own lube at home. There’s an informative and interesting piece about sexual trauma and psychological scarring, and how that affects one’s sex life.

But the piece that is getting the most attention is the Goop Sex Toy Guide. Because it wouldn’t be Goop if Gwyneth wasn’t recommending that you spend thousands of dollars on seasonal, artisanal vibrators. I’ll give Goop some credit – there are some affordable recommendations on her list, like a $69 feather toy, Ben Wa balls that only cost $25 and $10 “cleaning spray,” because nothing says romance like Windexing your beav. But because she’s Gwyneth, she has to remind you that only 24-carat gold touches her ‘gina: she is literally recommending a $15,000 24-carat gold dildo. There’s also a $535 whip, a $400 nipple-clamp necklace, and a $156 G-spot App. Yes, there’s an app for that.