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Beyoncé Looks Good In a Bikini, In Case There Was Doubt

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I guess even Beyoncé needs a break from it all sometimes, so she hightailed it down to Jamaica with her sister Solange and another friend for a little R&R – and a lot of selfie taking/posting. That’s right, Beyoncé wants you to know that she looks damn good in a bikini and that her life is way more fabulous than yours, and don’t you forget it.

So, what’s a holiday with Beyoncé like? Well, it’s all private jets and fancy villas and lounging on the beach. It’s a beautiful thing. Have a look at some of her snaps below and then look out your window at the rain and wind (if you’re in New York) and hate your life just slightly. (I kid!) I just hope this vacation prepped her for the difficulty of being a 22-day vegan.

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What In the Hell is Beyoncé’s 2014 Calendar?

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Believe me when I tell you that I wanted to look at the photos from Beyoncé‘s 2014 calendar and think, “Oh shit, this is (Sasha) FIERCE!” but I just cannot. I’m not sure who devised the concept for these photos (most likely the Queen herself), but it’s all wrong. Every single shot is just… terrible. This is her first ever official calendar and was made by photographers Herring & Herring and the arts agency Schierke, but if it was gonna be this bad, she shoulda never had one to begin with.

The pseudo-sexy poses, the weird masculine “I can wear a hat and smoke a cigar while still showing a little bit of my tits” nonsense… none of it works and quite frankly, it comes off looking a little cheap. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the photo with the white draped dress was Mary J Blige! A big ole NOPE goes out to this whole thing.

Am I wrong here? Are these shots actually hot? Someone explain it to me!

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Beyoncé’s Mad at H&M For Photoshopping Her Curves Away

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Beyoncé‘s modeling for H&M now, which is all fine and well, but she’s not so happy with them after seeing the final ads. Why, you might ask? Well, they’ve only gone and Photoshopped her to high heavens, taking away much of her natural curves.

From The New York Post:

Beyonce ordered H&M chiefs to ditch photos of her modelling their bikinis — after they shrank her famous curves.

The Bootylicious star was outraged to find she had been retouched in shots for an advertising campaign — and insisted only natural pictures could be used.

An insider revealed last night: “When Beyonce found out they had edited the way her body really looked, she hit the roof.

“She’s a true diva and was furious that she had been given such a snubbing. Her people refused to give the pictures the green light so H&M were forced to use the originals.”

Oh, snap. Good for Bey, actually. We all know she’s a modern feminist (LOL), so it’s no surprise that she wouldn’t want to look like some airbrushed cartoon.

Special thanks to Evill Beet Gossip

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Take It or Leave It: Here’s a Snippet From Beyoncé’s ‘Epic’ Soundtrack Song ‘Rise Up’

Beyoncé is “starring” in (providing voices for) the upcoming Disney film Epic, but since she’s multi-talented, she’s also providing some of the music. Her song on the soundtrack, entitled ‘Rise Up’, has been previewed online by thirsty ass members of the BeyHive who recorded the audio on their iPhones and threw it up on YouTube with the artwork.

This may only be a 24 second clip, but it’s 23 seconds more than I needed to hear to know that it sucks. I know it’s for a kid’s film, but between this and that ‘I Stay On/Bow Down’ mess, I’m beginning to question the $350 I paid to hit up the Mrs. Carter world tour in August with my boo (not really though, love you Bey).

Anyway, not sure what’s happening here and perhaps the full-length track is better. Or maybe she just did this for an easy paycheck and cool points with Blue Ivy.

Special thanks to Evill Beet Gossip

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Beyoncé Releases New Music That Sounds Nothing Like Beyoncé Music

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Beyoncé is gearing up for her big comeback after giving birth to the second coming, and plenty of changes are afoot. She’s shed some pounds, gone platinum blonde for her upcoming tour and to complete the package, Beyoncé has now released new music… which sounds absolutely nothing like Beyoncé music.

I’m a big fan of Queen Bey’s, musically speaking – she makes some really great pop/hip hop crossover tracks that are catchy, fun to listen and sing along do and generally send a decent enough message to young girls (not that she exists to be a role model, but you know what I mean). But somehow, hearing her sing lyrics like “don’t get it twisted, this my shit/bow down bitches” just seems disingenuous and doesn’t ring true at all. Sure, some people will argue that this is Jay-Z‘s influence on her sound, to which I say: Really? They’ve been together since 2006, so no dice on that one.

The whole thing about Beyoncé is that she’s always been – in my opinion, anyway – rather effortlessly cool. She’s smart, modern and won’t be told what to do in any sense, and I think most of her fans admire that about her. This just seems… incredibly try-hard and kind of makes me cringe. I should mention that the clip is apparently a mash up of two new tracks from her upcoming album. I’ll say this – if it’s a taste of what the entire album’s going to be like, I’ll be pretty disappointed.

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Beyoncé and Jay-Z Skipped the Oscars to Have Dinner with Sarah Jessica Parker

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From The New York Post:

Jay-Z and Beyoncé missed the Oscars, and instead had dinner with Sarah Jessica Parker in New York on Sunday night. The music power couple joined the “Sex and the City” star and five others for a long meal at Freemans on the Lower East Side. “They completely blew off the Oscars,” said a source, adding, “They didn’t even have it on a TV screen. They were there until well after 1 a.m. with their friends, laughing and eating.” Bey’s sister Solange, however, was seen partying at Vanity Fair’s LA bash.

I love that this is a story, and that Beyoncé and Jay-Z deciding not to go to the Oscars is seen as a personal insult to the entire Academy Awards. I mean, they didn’t even watch it! Take that, Oscars! I suppose adding insult to injury is the fact that they were having dinner with Sarah Jessica Parker instead (weird combination, don’t you think?), but for the record, SJP is a really nice lady – and a very, very tiny one, as it were.

I have to say – I don’t blame Bey & Jay for skipping out on the Oscars, for the following reasons:

1. It’s in LA. Los Angeles blows – the traffic, the weather… I’ll pass. (Sorry, Angelinos!)

2. You have to get dressed in fancy things, wear Spanx and get your hair & makeup done – sweatpants with one leg cut to fit the leg cast you had on for 6 weeks and a stained Napoleon Dynamite hoodie that you got for $5 at Kohl’s back in 2002 won’t cut it. (Yes, that’s my wardrobe right now.)

3. So long! You have to walk the red carpet and smile and stop for pictures and then, when that’s finally over, you have to go inside and sit through a whole long ceremony that’s never funny and features mostly people you don’t give a shit about. Ugh, is it over yet?

4. There are after-parties, which you’re expected to attend when all you really want to do is have your limo driver stop at the McDonald’s drive-thru before going back to your hotel room, pulling the black-out curtains and watching a Sandra Bullock movie on TNT while eating your chicken nuggets in peace.

I rest my case.

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